the scar project
This other morning I was in the grocery store and I ran into another survivor. I thought to myself "Gee here she is just living her life" "Here I am just living............it's almost unreal." Some days I bitch and moan and carry on with my usual stuff..........you would think I would be the happiest person on the planet, but how quick we forget. Then it hit me~ I had a disease that was slowly killing my body! Cancer was going to be my death; a death I for sure NEVER wanted. Heart attack during my sleep- awesome, but to know I had cancer and was going to die- NEVER. When I would think about death the only good I could get from a cancer death is that they had time to prepare others, but I pictured that death like trying to scratch your way out of coffin as they slowly covered it with dirt. I scared my self thinking that cancer may end up being my way. And then I wasn't scared.....as much as I want to go back to my life BEFORE, where I was clueless and happy..........I'm not so scared............I'm not so scared. I've grown a bit. I love God so much and I love everyone who pulled the cancer off me. I wanna live my life as a good happy person in honor of all the people who SAVED my LIFE.
CANCER KILLS plain and simple.
BUT-YES my priests, nuns, parents, husband, son, and all the rest of my big family, my sweet breast cancer sisters, friends, that little church in Port Crane, my doctor, my surgeon, my oncologist, my radiologist, my nurses they SAVED MY LIFE! Wow...the love they've shared can still be felt today and sure pushes away a lot of the bad feelings.
THankyou for your comment. You are so sweet and kind. I have a question. Does Breast Cancer work the same way as Hodgkin's in the sense that- after 5 years we are supposedly cured? Are you in remission right now? Are you done with everything as far as treatment? I didn't know if all cancers are created equally as far as the timing for cure. If so- then we will be "cured" the same year, since mine was in 09 too. But I have to admit- the cure word doesn't really mean much to me, because I hear about people who get it later. Do you feel that way? I don't mean to be a downer, but is that how you sort of feel? Like- "well great, I'm 'cured' but I can still get it again!" I mean, it will feel wonderful and mean something to say- I've been in remission for over 5 years, that will give me MORE assurance and confidence, but do you still feel like- well....... doesn't mean it's over. I don't know, I don't want to be depressing, I just was wondering your take on it because you can't ask other people these questions, they don't understand.
ReplyDeleteOH- and I read this post- and I feel the EXACT same way in the summer. For you it's fall, for me it's summer, that's when I started. And it's this distinct feeling, that is so real and so fresh, yet- from so long ago, that i feel when summer approaches. Certain smells, the temperature and scenery reminds me of "wow, I just found out I have cancer, I'm about to start chemo" all those memories and feelings- it is such a distinct feeling. I wonder if it will always be like that, or it if it will wear off. And the day of, I replay the whole scenario of the ER room and finding out in my head- I even know the hour. June 23rd at midnight.
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