Friday, August 30, 2013

An update

Oh Plant Foob how I've been negelting you.  Life gets so busy sometimes and there just isn't enough time for everything. 

I have realized that I hadn't really done an update in a while.  A women who had seen my blog had sent me a message and she had mentioned how she wasn't sure how I was doing. Well I just had a 6 month blood test and everything was good.  I'm looking to getting my Vitamin D back up- and my iron is low (a norm for me), but other than that we're doing good.  I will post an update on my supplements I'm taking since I'm changing some up right now.

I also had a couple of friends ask me questions about my breast reconstruction.  And it seems like there is always someone new going through breast cancer.  I remember sitting in our local Breast Center waiting for my 1st mammogram and on the TV were picture of people who had had mastectomies and I couldn't even look at them.  Even at my 1st plastic surgeon appointment I couldn't look at reconstructed breasts- it was beyond my mind.  In all honesty ending up without a breast didn't really matter I just wanted to live.

No matter how you handle your cancer you go through a process of acceptance and understanding of what you really want out of life.

So I thought now would be a great time to do a little update and go over the process I went through.  This is a great time to do it as I've become enlightened about my own body.  I'm digging the word enlightened!  I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon and again I re-visited a nipple!  WHY?  I mean I know in my heart it is pretty foolish, but a girl can dream right?  Yes I can!

This appointment was different - it's the last time I will ask a doctor or nurse or anyone for their opinion on my body.  I've become comfortable with myself and my foob.  A FOOB to me is a breast reconstructed by a doctor- it's Fake because I have an implant and it's shaped like a bOOB so FOOB seems perfect.  I have no nipple and I have no feeling there.  They scooped out all my breast tissue along with skin and nipple and then they stretched the neighboring skin to make a foob.  Amazing how much we can stretch out skin.  And that mixed with radiation does make for a TIGHT and HARD situation.

In the beginning of healing from surgeries and treatment from my breast cancer I hadn't really cared much about my boobs because I had bigger body stuff going on that really needed attention.  And sticking a nipple on it seems SO weird.   But now as I'm getting back to normal- shall we dare say NORMAL?  I'm finally at the weight I was before breast cancer and to be honest I'm definitely in better shape (not including the cancer I didn't know I had).  I'm pretty darn happy with my body, the extra fat and all.  Getting there hasn't been the easiest.  I never really got too mad at my body or my situation, but it was very painful to be so out of shape and not feeling well on top of not looking like myself.  I've always been grateful so every little cell that makes up Miss Danielle, but now I appreciate it even more FAT included!

This has taken sometime and hard work.  I thought I would never see muscles in my legs, but I do now.  I would never imagined I like jogging, but I do.  Spinning class- never even gave that a though, but it's been so freeing.  I do take time to go back and realize how far I've come and I have my body to thank for that.  The other day I was driving and I was thinking about if I had to do treatment again and how discouraging that might seem.  I wondered would I do things the same- Would I let myself gain all that weight or Would I fight it tooth and nail?  Well that's a tricky question.  I came up with the conclusion that I would go easy on myself just like before and my weight and appearance would be low on my list of concerns again.  This thought alone was incredibly freeing to me.  I then began to think of my body and that wonderful fat that helped absorb all those deadly chemicals they pumped into me.  Fat no matter what has a place;  the body makes fat for a reason and it does get a bad wrap.  If we have too much fat yes that's a problem, but really it's not fat's fault now is it?  This could make no sense to most, but to me it is one step closer to letting go of my crazy ideas of  a "normal" body image. 

You see I look different- very different.  I'm now just starting to like looking at myself with no clothes on and that's a hard thing I know for a lot of girls.  It's not that I'm less fat that is making me happy; it's seeing stronger legs and arms that make me happy.  It's seeing my foob and knowing I fought hard for that.  I'm still not totally sure about my foob, but I'm getting there.  In the bedroom it's still weird- for sure.  I mean I can't expect my husband to know what to do when I'm walking around with it day in and day out and I'm not sure what to do.  That's OK.  I'm OK.  Oh I still want two breasts and two nipples like most, but I'm good for now.  I want it, but I don't need it- BIG difference.

My plan is to continue to stay healthy and keep getting my body stronger.  I'm still probably 10 pounds away from a weight I think will be healthy for me.  When I get to that weight I may revisit my breast situation.  I think my option would be to reduce my other breast again and maybe remove my implant for a type of tissue transfer (as in make a breast out of my own tissue).  When I need to replace my implant; who knows what advances they may have.  Or maybe I will be fine with another implant.

I'm so lucky to have been raised by a mother who never put all the emphasis on looks.  My mom was very practical- she didn't do her daily stuff all done up.  She wasn't the type of mother who wouldn't leave the house without make-up (not that there's anything wrong with that).  My mom worked hard, and when it was time to do something social she would do her make-up and always dressed perfectly.  Seeing my mom as I did growing up I feel comfortable with less or no make-up and I learned no matter what the body shape or weight, just dress nice and accordingly.  Oh and always match :)  Mom and I may still disagree on the matching, but if I ever I have something special I always can consult with mom.  My mom's soul and love was bigger than her body, make-up, and clothes.  And so that is probably why my true idea of beautiful will always come back to that which is not seen.  :)

I was taught to love and I love a included!  Loving myself is the true treasure- because if you don't love yourself you can't love others!  Like the saying goes:  You can't give what you don't have!

(picture removed)

my foob
most recent doctor appointment

and when I even think of giving up taking the healthier road - cuz that goes on I think of people like this:
Sarah Reinertsen
Female Triathlete
Put's things in perspective - huh?

Body image is huge for woman, but we've go to start desensitizing ourselves to the warped ideas of what is beautiful.  Thanks to my experience I've gotten an even better perspective on body image- we must teach the little ones.

No comments:

Post a Comment