Being Heavy, Saying Goodbye, Foob and so on....

Well mom asked me about going to a meeting on a 21 day detox and I said yes

So now I'm doing a 21 day detox:

Check it out :Standard Purification Process

I'm desperate to lose this cancer weight 

The program seems simple enough and the supplements are whole food- the hard part will be doing it.

And speaking of weight and body image issues  

Have you seen this article-

Younger Breast Cancer Patients Have More Adverse Quality of Life Issues:

http://www.cancernetwork.com/breast-cancer/content/article/10165/2021313

AMEN AMEN!

I had 2 doctor appointments at Sloan for my 6 month blood test and a 1 year radiologist checkup.  As time passes and I deal with anxiety and all that crap my foob comes to mind.  I realize how different it is not having a real breast and at times I REALLY don't like it.  Most docs don't say anything about it- like it's just another foob, but there is a person attached to it.  Doctors are wonderful people and they shouldn't have to worry about my state of mind or how I'm dealing with being a woman with a foob- that's my problem and everyone has challenges.  BUT when a doc does recognize that 1. that foob looks nothing like a breast and 2. she may feel bad about it and not know that there is help out there- it makes a world of difference.

Dr. Powell my radiologist at Sloan is just that sort of doctor.  He always noticed me as a person.  He always told of things that could happen down the road and he spoke to me about my mobility and arm stretching.  At my last appointment he kindly asked about my implant and who did it.  He then asked if I was happy with it and asked if I use something else.  We laughed about the whole nipple thing and I told me I wasn't ready to do anything more.  He understood and told me that yes I can go back and do some tweaking and such.  The fact that he acknowledged the food was huge for me.  I had 4 different breast exams by 4 different docs that day at Sloan and only 1 spoke of my breasts.  How weird is that?  It took a lot for me to find the courage to ask my plastic surgeon about the size difference in my breasts and he did then tell me about getting fitted for an insert- which I didn't even think they had- I mean half and quarter size falsies to finish off my implant.....who would think? 

Another thing not mentioned is the weight gain thing- I know they know, but they don't say anything about it.  And it's huge to be over weight after not being over weight.  I'm 20 pounds heavier than I was before cancer and 20 pounds on a 4'11 girl is huge!  I'm at the point where I will do anything not be this heavy, but it's seeming impossible to lose.  I don't know what it is that made me heavier and know one tells you.  And then there is the Tamoxifen- and no more periods- I'm not sure what the heck is going on hormonally in my body which could have something to do with my weight issue.  Oh well I need to do more research on hormones, thyroid function and lipo....OK I'm not that desperate.

Well I do have to say the nurse at Powell's office did talk frank with me about the weight gain.

I'm hoping the detox will help jump start or reset something in this round little body.

All in all I'm just so glad to alive and SO grateful to ALL my doctors and my life is so much more important that a set of boobs :)

Dr. Powell was able to release me from his roster of patients This is great but sad too- he was my favorite! 

He told me I'm welcome to come in and see him with anything- how nice   

I will miss him             

Breast Questions

Hmmm....

Well I haven't been on my blog for a while- it's just been so darn busy and I have a lot of issues rattling around my brain.

I do have to say that I have been speechless a couple of times concerning my breasts which at this time are free game to question about.

Do you ever have those moments where you can see yourself in a situation where you are asked a question and nothing comes out of your mouth?  Well I had this happen 2x with a couple of weeks of each other.

On the day I was going to NYC with my friend to attend a seminar put on by Women at Risk, I ran into an old friend of mine.  I was on the corner near the bus station when I seen him and we said our hello and he asked me how I have been doing.  He then told me that he heard about the cancer and he knew someone else who had had it and so on..(yeah and she died- he could of left that part out).....He then asked me something about still having my breasts.....I still don't know what exactly he said it, but I found myself standing there for what seemed like an hour with my mouth open.  I was surprised....it was sort of funny.  I finally spit out oh yeah 1 I had/have 1.  It was the weirdest thing.  I mean I know I tell people and blog about my one breast, but standing face to face with a guy was weird.  Somehow I don't think if he had a prostrate issue I would ask about any removals....

The second time I was left speechless with my mouth open was in the airport on our trip to Florida.  We had to do a body scan and I was pulled aside.  I noticed a female security guard approach and she was listening to someone in her earpiece and looking at my breast area.  I know/heard they can see you are missing your breast, but I'd rather not think about them looking at me that way on that scanner.  So she pats me up and they come pretty uncomfortably close to your breasts and mine are way different in feel.  She then said to me, "Do you have something in there?" .......again silence.......yea....silence......It was like I forgot what to call it.  I mean I have an implant and I'm wearing a prosthesis.  She finally said, "Do you have a prosthesis?" and finally I was - yes.   She then had me wait while she did something with her gloves in another area.    Rob was waiting shoes back on and all.  He's like "what was that about?"

As open as I am about my breasts I still get taken back and I'm still a bit shy about it.  I'm sure with time it gets easier.  I'm amazed at how some days just go by and putting my padding or prosthesis in is just an everyday event.  Well there are days I forget all together and then I'm a little self conscious of the size difference.

Ya know what's really funny- all the talk about Barbie and the bad self image it gives little girls..........Well next time you have an opportunity to check out Barbie's breast, notice NO nipple.   I guess we could also call our mounds: Barbie Boobs!  I mean who doesn't want to be like Barbie?    
Life is funny~

Another Bathing Suit Designer Just for US!

Well she was high risk- so she did something about it and then she did something about it!!!

Yes she cheated cancer AND she started dressing US!

Patricia Brett - Designer and Founder of

Veronica Brett Luxury Swimwear

Read the Harper's Bazaar Article- Click on the picture below. 

See her on TV

Hard days come and go.....It's O.K.

 Well I had a BAD 2 weeks and I only report these bad times because usually something good happens- I learn to cope and I grow.  I also put it out there incase someone is going through what I go through- SO they don't think they are crazy.....well maybe you are, but hey you are not alone!

I don't know what brings on these days of horror and panic, but I'm begining to think it maybe stuff I read and doing too much without rest.  Or maybe it's because we are moving on with our life.  Rob and I are starting to discuss and take action on things we wanted to do before all this happened and it's very scary to me.  I worry about starting a dream and not being able to finish or even ruin it altogether because of my health.

Thank God for my work which helped keep my mind busy!  I'm also thankful for being able to have started back at Pilates and last week I even made it to 3 classes. 

I was convinced for the last 2 weeks that I had cancer in the lymph nodes in my neck.  I don't know- but I felt like a dull pain in my neck.  I kept feeling my neck and feeling my neck to see if anything was swollen, but nothing.  Even so I was sure I dying of cancer.  This worry just sucks.  It's like treading water in the middle of the ocean and you get so tired, but there's nothing to grab onto to get a break.  Some days I just can't wait to go to bed.  Sometimes during the day I will run into a little problem could be anything like a phone call at work and I get panicked and think "God-I'm dying here and this person wants to know the status on a bill?"  As the worry goes past a week I start to think that maybe I want to die, and then is death possibly better than this nightmare?  It's the weirdest thing- I know it's happening, but I can't stop it.  I guess because I do have pain in my neck or head at times and cancer is the first thing I think of.  I feel like cancer is all through me and my body disgusts me.   I'm not used to having pain like I have now since my treatment.  SO I just think it's cancer.  Cancer can haunt you - I believe it.  There is something very evil there- maybe it's the devil- I don't know.  Thank God I have faith because for sure the cancer would win.  I finally get so tired I give up and I beg God to help me.

And later in the week last week I was browsing blogs - old ones I hadn't looked at in a while and I stumbled apon this:   

Yes it's St. Theresa.....I don't know how many blogs can possibly have St. Theresa- and this is a blog about flowers.  She is such an inspiration to me and it only makes sense that when I need inspiring the most she can be found.

By Thursday I was starting to feel better.....I have a huge cold soar because of the worry....BUT I'm so glad to be back to myself.  I know I said I felt like I was treading water in the ocean- but what I didn't realize is that the water wasn't that deep I just had to have faith and try to touch bottom and just walk out.

Now maybe when I starting thinking a little crazy I'll say to myself:

"Don't go in the water girl"!

  

October is ending..........

I have a love/hate with October- it was when I was diagnosised which is good, but all the breast talk sometimes hurts.  Some days I just wanna run away and in October it's EVERYWHERE.
All in all it's a good thing- because women have got to be made aware!
I really hope every girl out there gets the info to get them self fitted for their insert.  Even if you are reconstructed you may need an insert.

One of the best days of my life was getting my insert.  I was just stuffing my bra with my "fluff".  When I put that bra on for the first time with my insert in it and could see that it looked like I had breast, I wanted to cry.  I was SO happy I could almost imagine that I was whole again.  Believe me I know it sounds weird saying "whole again", I mean physically whole.  It's not SO important, but I will always be a girl and my breasts will always be special to me.

On that 1st visit I had to Klemmnt Orthopaedic (607-770-4400),  Shiela had given me my 1st amoena pin- it was designed by a fellow survivor.  Every year they make a pin created by a survivor.  I stopped in to say HI to Shiela last week.  She came up front with a huge smile and we hugged and she grabbed my arm and she said, "It's Breast Cancer Awareness and I have something for you".  Well I got my 2nd pin.  It was so nice to see her and it got me to thinking that I'm probably coming up on getting a couple new bras.  I have very good insurance and they allow me so many bras a year and an insert about every 2 years.  You really need to get to an expert because they can help you with all that and even check on what your insurance company offers.  SO what I'm getting at is that if you do your fittings in October there is a good chance you will get your pin too.
I love Shiela for all the help - I had no idea of such a service.  She really did help me get whole again.

On another note I found a great organization-
Check out this mission statement:
Our vision is to change the way we as a society view health and wellness. We strive to promote healing by empowering survivors to become “THRIVERS”.  We lead by example and teach the world that adopting a healthy lifestyle  benefits those effected by cancer and  prevents the disease process that leads to the formation of breast cancer. We provide nutritional counseling, weight management, exercise training, meditation, guided imagery, Reiki, massage, reflexology, acupuncture and other holistic therapies  that are  essential to overall wellness.
  love it!- go to the website HERE

Oh and it's getting cold out foobers and hats hats hats...........LOVE HATS!  I don't know what I would have done during chemo without hats!!!!!!

I like the movie Salt and I really think if I was wearing wigs again I may have to try some of Angelina Jolie's hat looks from the movie:

I LOVE this one

How about this?

Then there is this one where NO hair needed

She's just too darn pretty

I thought some of these hats were nice

Northface

35.00

Zappos

 Neff

20.00

Zappos

Goorin Brothers

35.00

Zappos

  

FIVE

Tonight Oct. 10th at 9 on Lifetime

Well a couple of dates came and went

Sept 24th- the day the doc found my tumor
Sept 29th- my 1st mamo and when the word cancer was used to describe what it showed
These 2 happened in 09

Sept 28th -2010- my Survival Inspiration passed on to heaven- Sweet Betty

And on Oct 6th this 2011 it will be my 2 year mark!  Yeah

I'm still scared at times, but it's gotten better.  One thing that still scares me is doing any walks that are for just breast cancer....they still scare me.  I wish I wasn't like that, but I am.  I was wondering what would Betty tell me and then the other day I get an email from Betty's daughter!  I told her what I thought Betty would say and she said I pretty much nailed it.  Betty would probably say, "You need to go on with your life, and if you don't want to do it don't."  Then she would probably add in "Maybe next year you'll want to go and you can go with your husband, son or a friend".  What good advice.  I really do want to do my part to raise money to help really cure this horrible cancer.  After realizing that there are women out there being tested for the gene (that can carry breast/ovarian cancer) and knowing they have daughters- IT HIT me!  Daughters, Baby Girls they need us.  I don't have a daughter, but I do have a niece and many friends with beautiful daughters and cousins and so on.  I'm going to try and put together a team for the Susan G Koman 2012.  I really was unsure, but how can I not help.  It's the woman who went before me who took the experimental drugs, walked the walks, shared their stories, that today save my life- I need to give back.  I really don't want any girl to go through what I went through.    

I am SO going to celebrate my October 6th because I earned every minute of those 2 years.  The pain that we sometimes carry everyday is horrible.  We fight this disease all time in our heads - it doesn't matter where we are who we are with it can creep in at any time.  My life has forever been changed by this disgusting disease.

October a month I loved for Halloween is very different for me now.  I had my mastectomy a couple days before Halloween- I took dressing up to a whole new level. lol.   October in general was just a hard month that 2009.  I find out AND it's Breast Cancer Awareness- way to shove it right down my throat.

The best way we thrive from it is the support of other women who battled ahead of us, for they truly know the suffering that goes on.  And the newly diagnosed knows exactly what the survivor went through; we cling to each other like sisters and move on.

God Bless my SUPER SPECIAL GIRLS:

Carol

Missy

Vicki

Barbara

Betty

   Liz   

Each one carried a piece of the puzzle that is making my Survival!