Well I had a BAD 2 weeks and I only report these bad times because usually something good happens- I learn to cope and I grow. I also put it out there incase someone is going through what I go through- SO they don't think they are crazy.....well maybe you are, but hey you are not alone!
I don't know what brings on these days of horror and panic, but I'm begining to think it maybe stuff I read and doing too much without rest. Or maybe it's because we are moving on with our life. Rob and I are starting to discuss and take action on things we wanted to do before all this happened and it's very scary to me. I worry about starting a dream and not being able to finish or even ruin it altogether because of my health.
Thank God for my work which helped keep my mind busy! I'm also thankful for being able to have started back at Pilates and last week I even made it to 3 classes.
I was convinced for the last 2 weeks that I had cancer in the lymph nodes in my neck. I don't know- but I felt like a dull pain in my neck. I kept feeling my neck and feeling my neck to see if anything was swollen, but nothing. Even so I was sure I dying of cancer. This worry just sucks. It's like treading water in the middle of the ocean and you get so tired, but there's nothing to grab onto to get a break. Some days I just can't wait to go to bed. Sometimes during the day I will run into a little problem could be anything like a phone call at work and I get panicked and think "God-I'm dying here and this person wants to know the status on a bill?" As the worry goes past a week I start to think that maybe I want to die, and then is death possibly better than this nightmare? It's the weirdest thing- I know it's happening, but I can't stop it. I guess because I do have pain in my neck or head at times and cancer is the first thing I think of. I feel like cancer is all through me and my body disgusts me. I'm not used to having pain like I have now since my treatment. SO I just think it's cancer. Cancer can haunt you - I believe it. There is something very evil there- maybe it's the devil- I don't know. Thank God I have faith because for sure the cancer would win. I finally get so tired I give up and I beg God to help me.
And later in the week last week I was browsing blogs - old ones I hadn't looked at in a while and I stumbled apon this:
Yes it's St. Theresa.....I don't know how many blogs can possibly have St. Theresa- and this is a blog about flowers. She is such an inspiration to me and it only makes sense that when I need inspiring the most she can be found.
By Thursday I was starting to feel better.....I have a huge cold soar because of the worry....BUT I'm so glad to be back to myself. I know I said I felt like I was treading water in the ocean- but what I didn't realize is that the water wasn't that deep I just had to have faith and try to touch bottom and just walk out.
Now maybe when I starting thinking a little crazy I'll say to myself:
"Don't go in the water girl"!
